A Chapter in revision

Posted: October 28, 2011 in My Book
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Hello out there all my beautifully creative people!

Generally on this blog i like to delve out precious pearls of wisdom and/or insanity — but today I’m busy editing, so how about a change of pace?

Today I’d just like to share with you all a small segment (of which I’ve recently edited), from my Book, “Welcome to the Future”: a Sci/Fi futuristic adventure. I welcome all comments, feedbacks, critiques, or praises, all that I ask of you is honesty.

Get ready,

I’m not going to even set this sucker up!

Please Enjoy 🙂




Chapter 3          


The kitchen light illuminated in anticipation of Holly entering the room — a neat trick of programming, considering that Holly, was a hologram.  Daniel had always wanted a hologram, and had always wanted to name it Holly, mostly because he thought the title, “Holly the Hologram” was an endearing one (and, not to mention, fun to say).  Holly, on the other hand, didn’t care much for titles, and cared even less for her name.

For a hologram, which is only an interactive 3D program with a finite (yet vast) string of predetermined responses, this type of self reflective thought simply didn’t exist.  So when Holly shared the contempt she held over her own name with Daniel, and suggested Jill as an alternative, Daniel was, needless to say, flabbergasted.

For a hologram to express dislike of it’s own name and suggest “Jill” as an alternative, is like having your DVD player tell you that it doesn’t care much for the movies you watch, and suggest that you go out and rent the Matrix trilogy instead.  Daniel spent the next few weeks after Holly’s confession scratching his head and trying to figure out what exactly he had done wrong with her programming, when finally it struck him.

Daniel figured there were two elements at play when you broke Holly down to her most simplistic components; her memory, and her personality.  He had intended on storing Holly’s personality on his apartment’s internal computer; thus giving her access to everything electronic in the house — allowing her to effectively become his maid, cook, and super all in one.  As for Holly’s memory, Daniel had planned to give up a large segment of unused space from his own brain chip.  Having this connection to her would give him access to all the things Holly saw and learned, and would in theory make him seemingly exist in two places at once.  It would appear though that in his haste, Daniel had mixed up the two.

This meant that Holly’s memory was now bound to the apartment’s main computer; a completely unsuitable and wholly inefficient place for it to be.  It also meant that her personality was stored deep within Daniel’s own brain.  Having Holly’s personality trapped in a place with human thoughts, desires, and emotions coursing through it, seemed to have had a profound effect on her programming.  The end result of which became a hologram — that acted, thought, and behaved, as if she were a human.

This implied two very important things about Holly; Firstly, it meant that Holly had access to something that the most sophisticated robots of the time, let alone simplest holograms, did not have access to — the full spectrum and scope of human emotion. Secondly it meant that Holly, were she to feel so inclined, could access whatever Daniel was viewing, thinking, or calculating, at any given moment, by simply interpreting the data streams that naturally flowed across the chip.  In this way Holly was one of a kind, really the first of her kind, and once Daniel realized what had happened, he certainly had no intention of “Fixing her”, or going back to the way things were.

So Daniel ordered a memory upgrade for his home — to provide Holly with a proper brain — and then he sealed off her section of his chip, so he might maintain a certain level of privacy.  Everything else he left alone.  Daniel was grateful for a companion that was more than a program, and Holly was ecstatic to learn that she was the first and only self aware non-humanoid living on (or around) planet earth.  So ecstatic, in fact, that she still tolerates the name, “Holly”, to this day and never again suggested that she instead be called “Jill”.

Thanks for dropping by everyone!

Hopefully this read well and kept you interested.

(Also, would anyone like to read/know more?)

Thanks again everyone, and have a great day!

  1. I really like this. I admit, I don’t do science fiction, so I can’t advise on the appropriate placement in time and space of neuro-developments relevant to the silicon chip but…this is cool. More please.

    Also,given your previous post, how about a vision of a world run by the Chinese (yep, the whole world run by the Chinese) given that the US is in hock to them and now Europe and they’re crawling all over Africa’s natural resources. You’re gonna have to find some gags, though. A short story would whet the appetite.

    • Thanks, Al, for the kind words.
      “They were brutal”, whatever I do (if I do it), i believe it will start with those words. Let’s see what time permits for a short…

      Also, would you (or anyone for that matter), like to finish this chapter — or see a snidbit of another?

      Many thanks again for stopping by!

  2. A few thoughts:
    ~The third paragraph is definitely my favorite part, although I think you can cut the last five words of it because they are implied by the next paragraph.
    ~The narrator is coming off with a British accent in my mind.
    ~When I first read through it, I had the feeling there was “too much explanation”, but I find that I am now unable to back this up with a clear example of this from the chapter…make of that what you will.
    ~I think the name Holly is used a few too many times.
    ~ I am curious as to whether Holly will ultimately use her power for good or evil. =)

    • ~~Thank you so much for this flawless feedback!

      This chunk of a chapter is something that I’m using as an intro for the character “Holly”, and your piqued curiosity is precisely what I’d hoped for.
      I worry about the flow of my work in general, as this is my first real professional stab, so the over-explanation you’d mentioned is a serious concern for me and i will watch out. It’s something i need to figure out and overcome to grow as a writer.

      I have to also figure out how to stop having my narrator use Holly’s name, but there’s a twist in my narration.
      It feels like a 3rd person omniscient, but in the second book you realize that it’s been first person all along — as the character who’s speaking becomes a mainstay. I want there to be a sense of personal care in the way he speaks about the characters, and using someone’s name is a subtle sign of that which i prefer to having him call them pet names, buddy, tiger, pal etc…, which would surly give away the spin of surprise in book 2 where he becomes part of the cast.

      The British accent might be there because “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” is one of my favorite series (i’ve read the first 3, 3 times since i finished my book), also the subtleties inherent with that language style happen to be slightly more diverse than a standard Americanized one (Or at least that’s my insane thought process, we’ll see what sticks in the end :-). And though my Conspirator isn’t British, he is a highly intelligent thousand-year-old man from another world :-).

      Again thanks for the honest feedback, i was worried about getting real critique, or too harsh of one, on my blog. This was honestly helpful — thanks.

      • Glad to help. Yes, I think Douglas Adams’ narration style is exactly what I was thinking of.

        One thing I didn’t bring up before is that the idea of Holly made me think of the sentient house, “SARAH”, in the TV series Eureka, which is probably the funniest character on the show. That may not be the direction you are going in, but if you haven’t seen the show, you should check it out — maybe it will inspire some ideas.

        You can try balancing your exposition/explanations with analogies, dialogue and narrator thoughts when it feels appropriate.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s