Posts Tagged ‘lies’

You know, life can be confusing…

Which direction is she spinning? Or, is it both...!?

…and truth, doubly so

As a fact of this very matter, those two observations were key reasons for pioneering this Blog for the Deranged and Enlightened in the first place…

…To be a place of reason for which to visit amidst the chaos.

To be a bold beacon of truth, born on the shores of logic and conceived in a mind engendered by an unflappable critique, which anyone thereafter could easily seek out and find, so that they too might successfully peer through the fog of modern illusion for a rough gauge of some true direction to sail towards, whilst wading, as we all do, through the eternal waters of life’s never-ending uncertainty.

To be a place where others of a like-minded nature might also be able to gather under this bannerless banner, each honestly seeking out their own truths, in their own ways and in their own field…

And gather they have!

It is from you that I am inspired and to you that I write.

You, my brave readers — in possession of true Iron-clad will. You, those willing to question, and sometimes even overturn your own longstanding assumptions about the world — despite an all too present fear. You, the intelligently insane and delightfully enlightened individuals alike, who have all gathered here in this sacred virtual realm, along with me, in a never-ending search for what might just be intangible — but yet we seek it anyhow, and together.

Thank you.

As I am under the firm conviction that this gathering of critically thinking minds is a very good thing.

I believe that analytical thought, questioning and querying are all very good, and quite essential to an enlightened people.

Indeed this is a very good thing; to know what is true, and what is right…


But, my true and noble People — you’re doing it all wrong!

~~ So here’s a list of the Top 5 things that most of us muck up and do completely backwards on a daily basis ~~

#1 – Tying your shoelaces

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Jared, you crazy bastard… Last week you’d tried to teach me how to make a flippin’ salad, and now you want to tell me how to tie my shoes — I’m no window licker, get off it man! ” And to you I say, “NO! I will stay on it!” (Wait, what are we talking about again? TWSS?) Look, I don’t care how old or how smart you are, if you’re reading this than you’re probably under the assumption that your ability to tie your shoes has pretty much been peaked since you were around the ripe young age of about two or three.

But… I have been known to relish in the bursting of a good bubble from time to time, and I shall take great pleasure now in telling you that you do not, in fact, tie a proper knot with your shoelaces.

See there are two variations of the knot in question: a strong version, and a weak one.

And you, my presumptuous friend, tie the weak one.


(not really)

Bubble Bursted!


#2 – Eating a Banana

You might figure, being that we’ve evolved directly from primate ancestry, we’d pay attention to how chimps and gorillas live. But no, we’re humans — we’re the smart ones! We built the Burj Khalifa for cripes sakes, what can we possibly hope to learn from some lowly, poop-chucking monkeys?

Well, how to properly open a banana for starters…

Here's a clue

Oh come now, we both know you’re guilty of it… You’ve tugged, and tugged and tugged on that stem — and yet you’d failed, and failed and failed. You’d leveraged with all your humanly might, but all you’d managed to do was break the fragile fruit in two. I’ll bet you’ve even resorted to using your teeth at times, garnering that wondrously chalky feeling all about your gums — but yet that darned inanimate thing somehow still defied you!


Know why?

Cause, as previously stated — You’re doing it all wrong!

(God I really DO love bursting bubbles…)

(BRB — change of pants.)



#3 – When you eat

If you’re anything like me — you know; a biped, mostly consisting of carbon, who relies on oxygen for aspiration and positively detests waking up at ungodly hours of the morning — than you might have a similar morning routine to my own. We wake up as late as humanly possible, hit snooze three times more than commutably feasible, and then stop on the way to work anyhow for our daily dose of liquid caffination in a vessel as voluminous as your very cranium — effectively skipping breakfast altogether and missing out on the most vital meal of the day!

We than proceed to have whatever lunch we can get our grubby little mitts on, and a dinner that would fit right in for a movie depiction of a Kings banquet.

“Wrong, wrong,wrong, wrong… Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong — You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong!!!”    — Dr.Cox

Again, yet another habit we’re born and bred breathing, yet are so very, very mistaken about.

Logic alone is enough to dispel this odd quirk of human behavior, but much like a writer can miss something essential due to coopy blindness, as can we all during the natural course of our lives. Reflect for a moment on what sleep actually is — it’s an eight-hour period of nothingness for your body, with no food or activity to enrich its state. So it would only stand to reason that when you wake up you might want to A) Be SOMEWHAT active, and B) Eat SOMETHING, and not just a little — A LOT — as this is the fuel for your upcoming day!

Conversely than, why would we consume our most grandiose meal right before laying our heads to sleep at night? In doing so we severely hinder our body’s ability to digest, apply and extract nutrients, and even be wholly restful — as we’ve given our body a task to attend to. Try instead, my good people, to go from a big meal early on, to a more modest one later, and finally a paupers meal to finish the day.

(Perhaps a banana even… Naturally opened from the proper end)

Here’s a source for your furthered ed-du-mication.

And here’s another



#4 – White Lies

Who do white lies told for comfort, comfort? For the liar knows well what they lie for, and the lie’ee nearly certainly knows the truth themselves… doesn’t this all seem like a heck of a lot of work for nothing?

Just like housework. I'm only gonna mess it up again tomorrow -- so why bother!?

Rather than giving in to the linguistic equal of telling yourself that you’d done 1000 push-ups, when really you’d only done 10 (we know, you just carried the decimal improperly… No, no, could’ve happened to anyone… O_o ) just do us all a favor, swallow the pill, and tell the truth. People need to hear truth to grow, and although you claim to have perpetrated the lie for protection of them, because you Love them, in fact by providing a White lie you have accomplished just the opposite effect.

Sure you have insulated them from a painful truth, but you have just stopped their progress as a human being.

You’ve just stolen away their golden opportunity to change…

Being wrong is good, and should be openly embraced!

Heck, I’m wrong all the time.

But I continue to grow.

Get the picture?

Now shake it, shake it, shake it…


(And another one bites the dust!)

#5 – Congratulatory praise

I do love's me some Bender.

To dote on past or future successes alone is to forget that you are presently alive. Furthermore, to dote solely on another’s successes is to forget that there are some still in the race, some who could use your support more than the “Winner”. As members of a creative world — inspired by invention, leading to inspiration, turning to creativity, and back to invention once more — either you are part of the cycle, or you’re simply not alive nor contributing to life at all.

Being that this is inherently implied in our world, why than do we only focus on the biggest and the best?

This is why Hollywood can get away with churning out crap, again, and again in the theaters…

This is why the truly talented are purged from the limelight in lieu of Kardashians.

This is why yours truly is still making salads and eating bananas!

Heck, even Neil deGrasse Tyson agrees:

Watch out guys, we're dealing with a Philosophy over here!

Curious that we spend more time congratulating those who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not

Curious indeed my friend, curious indeed.


And now, before I’m bashed over the head with a banana for speaking truth…

…I’m off!

You can't catch me now suckers!